A sun-drenched detective story from rural Andalucía. A Brexit Investigation

Scene: The courtyard at Casa Adora, Monte Lope Álvarez.
Dad sat on the roof terrace with a cup of tea and the last two Spanish Digestives from the village shop — perfectly serviceable, though not proper British biscuits. For the real thing, he’d need a four-hour roundtrip to the British shops on the Costa del Sol. Even the little “international” shop in Alcalá la Real, 100 km away, had Brexit-related shortages these days. Customs delays meant the biscuits were often stuck somewhere between Dover and Algeciras.

Dad sighed, dunked a Digestive into his tea, and attempted to read How to Be Right while the greyhounds conducted their investigation below.

Issy and Poppy — two elegant greyhound detectives — sprawled on cushions under the lemon tree. Papers were scattered everywhere. Jasper — a friendly ghost from Dad’s childhood who pops in and out of family investigations — spun through the courtyard in a series of cartwheels.

The Brexit Investigation

Poppy: (adjusting her monocle) Right. So The Telegraph — THE TELEGRAPH — now admits Brexit reduced Britain’s GDP by 8%.

Issy: The same Telegraph that promised endless opportunity?

Poppy: The very same.

Jasper: (appearing in his floral bathing cap) PLOT TWIST! THE NEWSPAPER WAS LYING!

Issy: And The Times just published, “We Brexiteers must acknowledge the costs of leaving Europe.” Investment down 15%. Productivity down 4%.

Poppy: “Must acknowledge.” Not “we were wrong.” Not “we’re sorry.” Just… must acknowledge.

Jasper: Like admitting you set fire to your house while praising the warmth! TOASTY!

Dad: (calling from the terrace) Are you girls investigating something?

Issy: Brexit, Dad!

Dad: (waving his book) Well, this predicted a lot of it years ago —

Poppy: Yes, Dad!

Jasper: DAD! YOU’RE IN SPAIN! DRINKING TEA! EATING BISCUITS THAT COST MORE!

The Politicians

Issy: David Davis — “There will only be upsides to leaving the EU.”

Poppy: ONLY upsides!

Issy: Daniel Hannan — “Absolutely nobody is talking about threatening our place in the single market.”

Poppy: Except… they did. Completely.

Jasper: Oh! Do Jacob Rees-Mogg next! He talks like he swallowed a Victorian dictionary!

Issy: “The overwhelming opportunity for Brexit is over the next fifty years.”

Poppy: Fifty. Years.

Jasper: “The food will be delicious — you just have to wait until you’re DEAD to taste it!”

Poppy: He also said, “We could have cheaper food, clothing and footwear.”

Issy: Dad, how much are your groceries now compared to 2016?

Dad: Don’t get me started. Thank God for Mercadona.

Jasper: MERCADONA! IN SPAIN! WHILE BRITAIN PAYS MORE!

The Turkey Scare

Issy: And then there was the Turkey thing.

Poppy: Oh yes — the massive “TURKEY IS JOINING THE EU AND MILLIONS OF TURKS WILL FLOOD BRITAIN” panic.

Jasper: (materialising in a fez) MILLIONS! PACK YOUR BAGS! THE TURKS ARE COMING!

Issy: Promoted by the usual characters — Boris Johnson, Michael Gove, Priti Patel, Gisela Stuart…

Poppy: And Farage, waving posters like the world was ending.

Jasper: TURKEY! A COUNTRY NOWHERE NEAR JOINING! THE DOOR WAS NAILLED SHUT!

Issy: The accession process was frozen solid. Colder than Dad’s leftover paella in the fridge.

Poppy: Yet they insisted it was “imminent”, “unavoidable”, “unstoppable”.

Jasper: SPOILER: BRITAIN HAD A VETO.
ANOTHER SPOILER: TURKEY WAS NOT JOINING.
A THIRD SPOILER: THEY KNEW.

Issy: But that didn’t stop them waving it around as a giant migration scare.

Jasper: THE GREAT TURKISH INVASION THAT NEVER WAS!

Sir Frosty Enters the Story

Issy: And here’s Lord Frost. Once pro-EU when it helped the whisky trade…

Poppy: Then promoted by Johnson to Chief Negotiator… and nearly orchestrated a hard Brexit.

Jasper: SOLD HIS SOUL FOR A PEERAGE! HARD BREXIT FOR THE COUNTRY! SINGLE MALT FOR EVERYONE ELSE!

Dad shook his head and sipped tea, thinking wistfully about biscuits detained at Customs.

More Quotes for the Evidence File

Issy: Liam Fox: “The free trade agreement with the EU should be one of the easiest in human history.”

Poppy: The EASIEST in HUMAN HISTORY.

Jasper: Easier than cavemen trading rocks for sticks!

Issy: Michael Gove: “We hold all the cards.”

Poppy: Turns out they were Uno cards.

Issy: Dominic Raab: “I hadn’t quite understood the full extent of this Dover–Calais crossing.”

Poppy: The Brexit Secretary didn’t understand Dover–Calais.

Issy: The man negotiating Brexit didn’t realise Britain is an island.

Jasper: LOOK! BLUE BIT = WATER! GREEN BIT = BRITAIN! SURROUNDED BY BLUE BIT!

Issy: Theresa May: “No deal is better than a bad deal.”

Poppy: And we still got a bad deal.

Issy: Boris Johnson: “There is no plan for no deal, because we’re going to get a great deal.”

Poppy: They didn’t get a great deal.

Issy: And Nigel Farage: “I would expect Brexit to be a fairly easy process.”

Poppy: Was it easy?
Three Prime Ministers.
Two general elections.
Four Brexit Secretaries.
Pandemic.
Economic crisis.
Constitutional crisis.

Jasper: EASY PEASY! JUST DESTROY EVERYTHING!

Issy: And now Farage claims Brexit failed because it wasn’t done properly.

Jasper: “IF THEY’D DONE IT RIGHT?!”
Translation: “EVERYONE IS TO BLAME EXCEPT ME!”

Dad and the Biscuits

Dad: (calling down) Would you like some tea? I’ve found a packet of British biscuits — assuming Customs hasn’t swallowed them.

Issy: How much more expensive?

Dad: About forty percent more than 2016.

Jasper: FORTY PERCENT! JACOB SAID CHEAPER FOOD!

Case Closed

Issy and Poppy gathered their notes.

Issy: So our conclusion?

Poppy: Newspapers admit disaster…

Issy: Politicians refuse to apologise…

Poppy: And Dad still has to drive 4 hours to the coast for proper British biscuits.

Jasper: CASE CLOSED!

Dad settled back with his tea and book.
Somewhere in Britain, the architects of Brexit continued not to apologise.
Somewhere in Spain, biscuits lingered in Customs.
And Jasper cartwheeled for dramatic effect.

THE END

Illustrations by AI, irony by yours truly. — The Flexible Chef. More in the series here.