A canine-led inquiry into loud humans, free-speech crusaders, and other bewildering creatures of the British media. Dan Wootton satire.

Morning Briefing in Andalucía

Dad was dunking a Rich Tea biscuit into his morning mug of tea, his well-thumbed copy of How To Be Right open beside him—chapter three again, apparently—when Poppy padded in, trembling like a leaf in a gale.

Poppy: "Dad, we've had a report. Something alarming. A human called… Dan Wootton."

She whispered his name as if it summoned demons.

Dad: "He's a journalist, Pops. Or a broadcaster. Or whatever they're calling themselves these days."

Issy wandered in behind her, stretching like a cat.

Issy: "Is he the one who shouts? Or the one who pretends he doesn't shout but actually shouts louder?"

"That's the one," Dad said, fishing out his soggy biscuit.

Thus began a fresh investigation from the most unlikely intelligence agency in Andalucía: The Issy & Poppy Strategic Satire Unit (I.P.S.S.U.).

Profile: The Human Who Barks for a Living

They settled in the courtyard, warm morning sun, birds singing. Dad brought out the tin of Garibaldis. Poppy sniffed one and declined. Issy looked offended on behalf of biscuits everywhere.

Poppy opened her file—a chewed-up envelope.

Poppy: "Born in New Zealand. Moved to Britain. Worked for tabloids. Presented on GB News. Now runs his own 'no censorship' platform."

Issy: "Wait. So he moved to Britain from another country?"

Dad: "Yes. In 2005."

Poppy: "Like an immigrant?"

Dad: "Well, technically—"

Issy: "And now he works for channels and platforms that spend a lot of time being cross about immigrants?"

Dad stirred his tea slowly.

Dad: "It's… complicated."

Issy: "No it isn't. It's hypocrisy. Even I know that, and I eat grass."

Poppy: "And your own sick."

Issy: "Not helping, Poppy."

They looked at Dad for further clarification.

Dad: "He's one of those free-speech warriors. Everything's a conspiracy. Everyone's out to silence him. Cancel culture is destroying Britain, that sort of thing."

Issy: "You mean like when you tell Poppy she can't bark at the bin men at 6 AM? She calls that censorship too."

Poppy nodded gravely.

Poppy: "It's oppression, Dad. Pure oppression."

The Mysterious Case of Martin Branning

Dad reached for another Garibaldi. This bit required fortification.

Poppy: "Dad… what on earth is a 'Martin Branning'? Is it a type of sausage?"

Issy snorted tea out her nose.

Dad explained—gently—that Dan had been accused of using that pseudonym online to solicit inappropriate photos from young men. The police investigated and took no further action.

Poppy looked genuinely baffled.

Poppy: "Why would you need a fake name to ask people for things? If I want sausages, I just ask for sausages!"

Issy: "You ask for sausages 37 times a day. You don't need an alias, you need therapy."

Poppy: "I need sausages."

Dad: "The point is, he's legally in the clear now. No charges."

Issy: "Hmph. Legal doesn't always mean sensible. Look at humans who buy decaf coffee."

Poppy: "Or cats."

They both shuddered.

The Laurence Fox Incident: A Full-Scale Ear-Offence

Dad refilled his mug and marked his place in How To Be Right—he'd either been reading it for six months or rereading the same chapters. They were getting to the big one.

Dad: "Right. January 2024. Laurence Fox appeared on Wootton's show."

Poppy: "Who's Laurence Fox?"

Issy: "Another loud man. Former actor. Now professional complainer."

Dad: "Fox said some truly vile things about a female journalist. Sexual, degrading comments. Live on air."

Poppy: "Dad, why do humans speak like that? If I said something like that, you'd send me to behaviour classes."

Dad: "Exactly. And Wootton didn't challenge him. Not properly. He just sort of… let it happen."

Issy: "So Fox chewed the sofa live on television, stuffing flying everywhere, and Wootton just stood there going, 'Oh dear, how unfortunate'?"

Poppy: "Did he get in trouble?"

Dad: "Ofcom investigated. They ruled it breached broadcasting standards. Serious harm and offence to viewers. Inadequate protection for those under 18."

Issy: "And that's why he left GB News?"

Dad: "More or less. Though he claimed he was escaping the 'Ofcommunist censors'."

Both dogs stared at him blankly.

Issy: "What on earth is an 'Ofcommunist'?"

Poppy: "Sounds like something he made up in the shower and thought was brilliant."

Issy: "Like when you try to pronounce Spanish words, Dad."

Dad ignored that.

Wootton's Independent Platform: The House with No Rules

After the scandal, Wootton left mainstream TV and started his own unregulated online platform. "Outspoken" he called it.

Dad: "He says it's a place for free speech. No censorship. No interference. No mainstream media gatekeepers."

Issy thought about this carefully.

Issy: "So it's like when you leave us in the house alone?"

Dad: "That's… surprisingly accurate."

Poppy: "But when you leave us alone, there are still rules. No eating the sofa. No knocking over bins. No barking at our own reflections for 40 minutes."

Dad: "Exactly. He wants a world where there are no rules at all."

Issy: "That sounds like chaos."

Poppy: "Expensive chaos."

Issy: "Delicious chaos."

Dad dunked another Rich Tea.

Dad: "The problem is, without rules, you get people saying whatever they want. And 'whatever they want' is often cruel, false, or dangerous."

Poppy: "So it's not really about free speech. It's about consequence-free speech."

Dad looked at her, impressed.

Dad: "That's… actually very astute, Poppy."

Issy: "She has her moments. Usually when sausages aren't involved."

The Canine Verdict

After thorough investigation—and several biscuits—the I.P.S.S.U. reached its official conclusion.

Issy: "Dan Wootton is a human with an exceptionally loud bark, strong opinions, and a tendency to stand very close to fires while holding a petrol can."

Poppy: "He came to Britain as an immigrant, then built a career raging against the kind of openness that let him in."

Issy: "He champions free speech, but what he really wants is unaccountable speech. The kind where you can say awful things and nobody's allowed to object."

Poppy: "He got frightened when people told him to be polite. I get frightened when people offer me baths. We all have our challenges."

Dad: "So… is he dangerous?"

Issy: "Only to microphones. And irony."

Poppy: "And potentially to young men on the internet, though the police disagree."

Issy: "We should keep watching him. From a safe distance."

Poppy: "Maybe from under a table. In Spain. Behind a locked door."

Closing Scene—Andalucía HQ

Issy sprawled across her blanket, sunning herself. Poppy curled up in the shade, still processing humans who say outrageous things for money.

Dad shut the laptop and finished his tea. The biscuits were gone. He suspected Issy. How To Be Right lay on the table, bookmark somewhere in the middle chapters where it had been for weeks.

Dad: "So… next case?"

Issy: "Someone quieter, please. Maybe a librarian."

Poppy: "Or a person who rescues hedgehogs."

Issy: "Yes. Hedgehogs don't platform bigots."

Poppy: "They have better judgment."

They agreed.

Though something tells them the loud humans aren't going away anytime soon. And neither are Issy and Poppy.

Someone has to keep watch.

Even if it's from under the table.

Next time on Issy & Poppy Investigate: "Is Piers Morgan Actually Three Smaller Men in a Suit?" Stay tuned.

Illustrations by AI, irony by yours truly. — The Flexible Chef

Read more in the Issy & Poppy Investigate series here.