Issy & Poppy Investigate: Michelle Mone, Lady M, and the PPE Profiteers

Michelle Mone ppe scandal.

Here we go..

🐾 Me:
Michelle Mone’s vanished. Again. This time aboard Lady M, her multi-million-pound yacht moored somewhere off Croatia. Is she dodging headlines or just allergic to consequences?

🐶 Issy (levitating over shredded invoices):
She’s dodging more than headlines. On 1st October 2025, the High Court ruled against her and Doug Barrowman over PPE Medpro’s £122 million gown contract. The gowns? Non-sterile. Unusable. Still rotting in storage like a metaphor for pandemic profiteering.

🐕 Poppy (monocle fogged by CE mark irregularities):
Let’s not forget Ultimo — Mone’s lingerie empire that collapsed in 2018 after years of PR puff and boardroom bust-ups. From bras to PPE, the business model seems to be: sell illusion, dodge accountability.

👻 Joey (ghostly flutter from the filing cabinet):
“Sterility… is not just for gowns…”

🐾 Me:
And Doug?

🐶 Issy (levitating higher, biscuit tin rattling):
Doug Barrowman — Isle of Man resident, private equity mogul, and alleged beneficiary of £60 million from the PPE deal. Very handy postcode if you’re allergic to tax and fond of shell companies.

🐕 Poppy (cross-referencing bank accounts with a fig roll):
Fifteen accounts. Frozen assets. A Belgravia townhouse. An estate in the Isle of Man. And a yacht named after his partner’s peerage. It’s not just dodgy — it’s deluxe.

👻 Joey (perched on a box of expired face masks):
“Lady M sails… but the gowns don’t…”

🐾 Me: Why is Michelle Mone still a baroness with a seat in the Lords?

🐶 Issy: Because privilege sticks tighter than PPE contracts to public money.

🐕Poppy: She won’t give it up - why would she, when the cushions are stuffed with perks, power, and hypocrisy?

👻 Jasper: I peeked inside the cushion. It’s crammed with shredded invoices, melted Ferrero Rocher, and liquid hypocrisy piped straight from the tea urn.

🐾 Me:
So what’s next?

🐶 Issy (levitating into the metadata):
The Government’s widening the net. Agile Medical - MD Christopher Glass - and Medaco Ltd - MD Jeremy Peter Smallridge - are now under scrutiny for defective PPE. The monocle swivels. The biscuits brace.

🐕 Poppy (snapping a stale Digestive in half):
We follow the money. We name the names. We keep the monocle polished and the yacht-tracking apps open.

👻 Joey (whispering through a spreadsheet):
“Due diligence… and a life raft…”

Disclaimer: Contains Satire, Spectres, and Monocled Mammals

This dispatch is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual yachts, gowns, peerages, or tax havens is entirely deliberate and should be approached with caution, a monocle, and a legally non-binding fig roll. Issy levitates for dramatic effect. Poppy’s biscuit analysis is metaphorical but accurate. Joey is deceased, spectral, and occasionally sarcastic. If you’re confused, offended, or currently moored off Croatia, consult your conscience or campaign group of choice. Side effects may include monocle fogging, yacht envy, and spontaneous spreadsheet hauntings.

More in the Issy & Poppy Investigate series here.