Issy & Poppy Investigate: Brexit Satire & Cambridge Analytica

From their shady spot beneath the olive trees in Andalucía, Issy & Poppy — two EU-citizen greyhounds — and one slightly disillusioned Brit examine life after Brexit through wagging tails, misplaced metaphors, and far too much irony.

Expect zany commentary, ghostly guests, and the occasional sniff of EU referendum lies.

Disclaimer: This is satire. The facts, however, are—well—facts.

Here we go..

🧀 The Cheese Stands Alone – Brexit Cheddar Woes

🐾 Me: Since Brexit, I’ve had trouble sourcing mature cheddar. When I do find it, it’s priced like caviar.
🐶 Issy: Should’ve stockpiled.
🐕 Poppy: Or learned to milk a goat.
🐾 Me: There’s no legal protection for UK cheddar. Post-Brexit, it’s easier and cheaper for Mercadona to sell their own brand than import from the UK.
🦔 Spiny Norman: Importanter! The cheese stands alone because it’s been deported!
👻 Master Whisker-Wan: When the milk of kindness curdles, the people gnaw at illusions.
🐶 Issy: At least it still melts. That’s something.

🌀 The Irony Files – Post-Brexit Surrealities

🐾 Me: And just when you think life after Brexit couldn’t get any more surreal, along comes Kemi Badenoch.
🐶 Issy: Oh, her! The one who said it without a wink?
🐾 Me: At the Tory Conference, she announced — without irony — “Poles used to come to work in the UK, but now their country is booming.”
🐕 Poppy: EU membership, anyone?
🦔 Spiny Norman: Importanter! That’s stewpedo circular logic! Leave the club, watch everyone else get rich, then clap! Exactamundo!
👻 Master Whisker-Wan: Those who mock the banquet after leaving the table shall dine forever on crumbs.
🐶 Issy: Translation: They left the EU, then realised the neighbours are doing just fine — with heating on and cheese intact.

🕳️ The Dark Money Den – EU Referendum Lies

🐾 Me: Dark money helped fuel the Brexit lies — courtesy of Arron Banks and friends.
🐕 Poppy: The man who funded the dream that turned out to be a queue.
🐾 Me: “Vote Leave, Take Control,” said Dominic Cummings. “£350 million for the NHS,” promised Boris Johnson. Farage called it “the will of the people.” Rees-Mogg said food and shoes would be cheaper.
🐶 Issy: And what did we get? Empty shelves, pricey shoes, and food banks.
🦔 Spiny Norman: Stewpedo! Never trust a man with a slogan and a shiny bus!
👻 Master Whisker-Wan: Control was taken — but not by those who voted for it.
🐕 Poppy: I feel cheated. And I only chew biscuits.

📱 The Facebook Prophets of Doom – Cambridge Analytica

🐾 Me: And now, girls, we enter the shadowy world of Cambridge Analytica — the digital puppet masters of the EU referendum lies.
🐶 Issy: Who exactly were these people?
🐾 Me: Let’s name names:
Robert Mercer — billionaire funder.
Steve Bannon — Trump strategist, architect of fear.
Alexander Nix — CEO caught boasting on undercover film.
Christopher Wylie — whistleblower.
Arron Banks — funded Leave.EU and hired Cambridge Analytica.
Facebook — the unwitting stage.
🐕 Poppy: So the referendum was partly decided by algorithms and shadowy billionaires?
🦔 Spiny Norman: Importanter! They turned clicks into chaos!
👻 Master Whisker-Wan: He who trades attention for profit loses democracy in the bargain.
🐶 Issy: Translation: The adverts you saw on Facebook weren’t suggestions — they were psychological arrows aimed at your brain.
🐾 Me: They harvested millions of profiles, built psychographic maps, and targeted fear about immigration, Turkey, the NHS, and sovereignty.
🦔 Spiny Norman: Sekkle down! And the public didn’t even know they were being herded like sheep!
👻 Master Whisker-Wan: When the puppeteers hide behind screens, the audience applauds the lies.
🐾 Me: Also, cat videos improve engagement. Who knew?

🦴 Dog Chews & Red Tape – Brexit Costs

🐾 Me: Before Brexit, I used to bulk-buy dog chews from the UK — £30 a box. Simple, quick, and Issy’s tail never stopped wagging.
🐕 Poppy: Then came Brexit.
🐾 Me: The same chews now cost another £30 in customs and import taxes. Twice the price, half the sense.
🦔 Spiny Norman: Importanter! That’s not sovereignty — that’s stewpedo paperwork with extra chew!
🐾 Me: So now, I buy them from Germany. Cheaper, faster, and no customs hassle.
🐶 Issy: So much for “Global Britain.”
👻 Master Whisker-Wan: He who builds walls around treats mustn’t be surprised when the neighbours eat first.

🛂 The Schengen Shuffle – 90 Days, 10 Fingers and No Cheese

🐾 Me: Here’s the latest farce — the new electronic fingerprint and biometric checks at EU borders.
🐶 Issy: You mean that Entry/Exit System thingy?
🐾 Me: The very one. It’s designed to track how long non-EU citizens stay in the Schengen area. Thanks to Brexit, that now includes Brits.
🐕 Poppy: So it’s 90 days in, 90 days out?
🐾 Me: Not quite. It’s 90 days within any rolling 180-day period. You need a spreadsheet and nerves of steel to keep track.
🦔 Spiny Norman: Importanter! That’s continental sudoku with passports!
👻 Master Whisker-Wan: Those who traded freedom for slogans shall find their holidays measured in fingerprints.
🐾 Me: And then comes Richard Tice, claiming the EU is “punishing British second-home owners.”
🐕 Poppy: By applying the same rules to them as to everyone else? How cruel!
🐶 Issy: Tragic. Truly tragic.
🐾 Me: The irony, of course, is that this is exactly what taking back control looks like — just not from the queue you’re standing in.
🦔 Spiny Norman: Stewpedo! They voted for border control — and got border queues instead!
👻 Master Whisker-Wan: When the gate you built closes behind you, do not blame the keeper.

🐾 The Ghostly Roll Call of Guilt

🐾 Me: Time to name the guilty.
Dominic Cummings — “Vote Leave, Take Control.”
Boris Johnson — “£350 million a week for the NHS.”
Michael Gove — “People have had enough of experts.”
Theresa May — “No deal is better than a bad deal.”
Jacob Rees-Mogg — “Parliament stifles the national interest.”
Iain Duncan Smith — “Take back control.”
Daniel Hannan — “Nobody is talking about leaving the Single Market.”
Kemi Badenoch — “Poles used to come here, now their country is booming.”
🐕 Poppy: That’s not a roll call — that’s a séance.
🐶 Issy: And what about the rest of us mortals?
🐾 Me: If you voted Tory, flirted with UKIP, or backed Brexit — and still support Reform — congratulations: you helped create this mess.
🦔 Spiny Norman: Stewpedo! The paws that wagged the ballot left quite the stink!
👻 Master Whisker-Wan: Responsibility, like cheese, cannot be imported — it must be chewed, digested, and savoured at home.
🐶 Issy: And sometimes sprinkled with irony.

🌍 Life After Brexit – EU Citizens’ Advantage

🐾 Me: Here in Andalucía, I sip my tea, watch the olive groves shimmer, and thank the stars for EU roaming. My dogs still travel freely across borders — EU citizens, every one.
🐶 Issy: And what about you?
🐾 Me: I queue. I pay. I sign forms.
🐕 Poppy: Sounds like “taking back control” means “losing your biscuits.”
🦔 Spiny Norman: Importanter! The dogs got the better deal!
👻 Master Whisker-Wan: Freedom is often found in paws, not passports.
🐾 Me: And occasionally in a really good Spanish cheddar.

📦 Closing Dispatch

From Brexit buses to Cambridge Analytica algorithms, dog chew red tape, biometric queues, and the vanishing of UK cheddar — this satire is written from the sunny side of Europe, where the irony bites harder than customs fees.

I voted to join the EEC in 1975. Then 2016 happened — and I woke up.

The lies of the EU referendum still echo, dark money still whispers, and the cheese still costs too much.
But at least Issy, Poppy, Master Whisker-Wan, and Spiny Norman can still sniff out the truth — and that’s Importanter!

More from the Issy & Poppy Investigate series here.