Issy & Poppy Investigate: Bribe Baby Bribe Brexit Party MEP

Here we go..

🐾 Me: Welcome to Issy & Poppy Investigate! Today we sniff out the Brexit Party MEP bribery scandal. Nathan Gill munched on eight counts of Russian bribery, but who else in the UKIP, Brexit, and Reform kennels got a taste of the treats? Richard Tice says he never met Gill… despite photos. Reform MEPs swear they’ve never heard of him. Discustard chaos awaits!

🐶 Issy: Eight counts of Russian bribery. Very naughty, even by Brussels standards.

🐕 Poppy: And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Other MEPs were prowling the kennels at the same time… could they have been offered treats too?

👻 Jasper: Mmm… treats! In my ushanka, I see a trail of MEP bribery offers like carrots across the floor. Discustard temptation!

👻 Joey: SQWAAK! NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE! NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE!

🐾 Me: Who else was in the kennel with Gill?

🐶 Issy: UKIP MEPs 2014–2018: Nigel Farage, Paul Nuttall, Diane James, Steven Woolfe, Patrick O’Flynn, Ray Finch, Margot Parker, Jane Collins, Bill Etheridge, Jonathan Arnott, Louise Bours, Mike Hookem, Jonathan Bullock, James Carver, Roger Helmer, Gerard Batten.

🐕 Poppy: That’s a whole pack! If one sniffs a biscuit, others might twitch their noses too.

👻 Jasper: And 2019–2020 Brexit Party MEPs: Farage again, Ann Widdecombe, Claire Fox — founder of the Revolutionary Communist Party, Martin Daubney, James Wells, Richard Tice, Dr David Bull. Seven more tasty morsels. Ushanka on, eyes wide. Discustard greed!

👻 Joey: SQWAAK! NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE! NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE!

🐾 Me: Wait, Claire Fox? The revolutionary?

🐶 Issy: The very same. Before she became a Brexit Party MEP, she ran the Revolutionary Communist Party, making her a… shall we say… colourful biscuit-sniffer.

🐕 Poppy: She didn’t just sniff the crumbs — she probably wanted to burn the whole bakery down.

👻 Jasper: In my ushanka, I salute the chaos. Red flags everywhere! Discustard revolutionary energy!

👻 Joey: SQWAAK! NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE! NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE!

🐾 Me: Could it be that Gill wasn’t the only one approached?

🐶 Issy: Very likely. Lots of paws in the same bowl.

🐕 Poppy: Some may have licked the treat, others may have hidden in the doghouse.

👻 Jasper: Or like me, stolen the biscuit and blamed the cat! Bribe, baby, bribe! Discustard delicious chaos!

👻 Joey: SQWAAK! NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE! NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE!

🐾 Me: What about the deafening silence from Reform UK?

🐶 Issy: Richard Tice, for example, claims he never met Gill… despite being photographed campaigning shoulder-to-shoulder.

🐕 Poppy: And one Reform MEP even tried to say they’d never heard of him. Really? In the Brussels kennel? Tail wag, sniff, or deny, your choice.

👻 Jasper: Ushanka fully activated! Silence is golden… or discustard. Bribes vanish like carrots in a rabbit hole!

🐾 Me: And Farage? Surely he barked about this scandal?

🐶 Issy: Barked? For free? In his kennel, he only wags for cameras or carrots.

🐕 Poppy: Tail wagging is optional when the treat doesn’t benefit you.

👻 Jasper: Free commentary? Discustard! Only gold carrots accepted here!

👻 Joey: SQWAAK! NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE! NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE!

🐾 Me: Did anyone report suspicious activity?

🐶 Issy: Who knows? Some might have barked at the wrong time, some kept their tails between their legs.

🐕 Poppy: If you sniff something fishy, do you howl at the authorities or just bury the bone?

👻 Jasper: I’d bury it in Siberia. Ushanka firmly in place. Discustard mystery!

👻 Joey: SQWAAK! NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE! NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE!

🐾 Me: So what’s the takeaway for Issy & Poppy Investigate?

🐶 Issy: Big egos, bigger treats, and a pack of MEPs who may or may not have wagged the wrong tail.

🐕 Poppy: Don’t trust anyone with biscuits — or bribes.

👻 Jasper: And never underestimate a revolutionary, a silent Reform MEP, or Farage avoiding free commentary. Bribe, baby, bribe! Discustard brilliance!

👻 Joey: SQWAAK! NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE! NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE!

Issy & Poppy Investigate have already sniffed out Nathan Gill’s bribery antics — and Richard Tice still claims he’s never met his fellow MEP. All the evidence is here… if you care to sniff it out.

⚠️ Disclaimer: This is satire. Issy, Poppy, Jasper, and Joey’s commentary is fictional and for humour. No rabbits, budgies, dogs, or MEPs were harmed in the writing of this dispatch.

Addendum

Update (21 Nov 2025): Former Reform UK leader Nathan Gill has been sentenced to 10½ years in prison after pleading guilty to eight counts of bribery. He admitted accepting payments in return for making pro-Russia statements in the European Parliament.